The Truth (part 1)

My friends think I’m overly nice to them; I’m really not though. It’s just that I’m honest to a fault and if I thought that they were horrible people they would have heard about it or I would have found a way to get them out of my life. I am fiercely loyal to my friends and they know that if they have a problem, I will do my best to help with words or actions or otherwise just be a sounding board. The problems start when it comes to the friends and family of friends or (even worse) girlfriends as I didn’t choose to let them anywhere near my world. There are members of my own family I am stuck with and keep at a distance both geographically and metaphorically but I have no control over those associated with the people that I have chosen to let in my life and this has caused me no end of grief throughout it.

The sad fact is friends have horrible people in their lives, as do romantic partners, and it is how they navigate these people, once removed, that puts strain on any relationships we have. Being autistic and painfully honest, this often causes friction. I have one friend who has acquired an ex Atos employee amongst their circle of friends. To my mind, there are things you should never do, however good the money is, like being a bailiff, a bouncer, a drug dealer or someone who defrauds vulnerable people for money and you should certainly never earn your living by trying to trick sick and disabled people out of getting the pittance of support they are entitled to. I understand why they can’t just ditch them as this person is devious and has inveigled themselves into her circle of friends, but it doesn’t stop me describing her as ‘that (see you next Tuesday) whenever her name crops up. I refuse to be in the same airspace as this person, and that means I have missed most of my friend’s celebrations for years and it feels like I have been punished for not being evil; fortunately , being autistic, I’m perfectly happy in my own company so its no big loss on my part.

I used to have someone in my life who ticked all the awful boxes amongst those around them with spoiled useless offspring, a friend who is a multiple landlord and a whole gaggle of cheating, skeezy, druggy, nasty chums. It even turned out that one of their friends had listened to a teenager choke to death during a drugs overdose and was too drunk to get out of bed and check on them… lovely people! It’s safe to say that our relationship didn’t survive that many awful people. With the best will in the world, a partnership can only survive so long when one party is brutally honest and the other has surrounded themselves with the dregs of society, either I stopped being autistic (although, to be fair, I didn’t know that I was) or they needed to get nicer friends and family… Let’s face it, that won’t happen and as the red flag of any abusive relationship is the abuser trying to separate someone from the people around them, I wouldn’t have let it either, that is for them to work out on their own with me a long way away from the situation.

In retrospect, there is one screamingly obvious thing I missed in that situation… If someone has that many ghastly people around them, then it is highly likely that they are pretty awful too.

I know now that I had very low self esteem at the time and, having been told that I had mental health issues for fifteen years prior, I had lowered my standards and ignored many things that I shouldn’t and put up with much more than I should have. I am not saying that being a dirt poor autistic person with health problems makes me any more of a catch in this capitalist, ableist ,society but at least while I’m making the best of the choices I have and I am no longer doubting my sanity.

At least that’s one step forward.